Goodbye Old, Hello New.

It's New Years Eve.
There is snow on the ground, and the sky is a light gray color.
It's a funny thing, new years eve. People ask you how your year was, what made it good or bad. Was this the best year of your life? How can that actually be answered?
I have failed, been terrified, fallen, cried, ran away, and been broken to pieces this year. If you look at mere events, it would appear to have been the worst year of my life. However, I value every tear, every heart-breaking experience, every fight-because I have learned some defining lessons that ultimately make the difference between a little girl and an adult. It's high school, things that are really wonderful can sometimes become extremely painful. But was it worth it? Was it worth the heartache, the anxiety, the stress, to get to where we are now? Well, I'm still here, and I have a smile on my face and an excitement in my heart for the upcoming year.

Things to look forward to in 2010:
1. No longer writing the number nine on all of my papers. (my least favorite number)
2. Senior Trip
3. Prom
4. Graduating High School
5. Turning 18.
6. Establishing my new life at college.
Who knows, maybe 2010 will be the 'Best Year of My Life'.
Happy New Year, Everyone.

Bitter(not so)sweet.

I hate couples. I hate their hand-holding, hugging, smiling-i hate it all. I hate when my friends text their boyfriends, I hate it when they tell me about their awesome dates. And most of all, I hate beautiful snowy days and lovely holiday plans, because I spend them alone. I hate that things haven't gotten better with time, I hate that sometimes I want to go running back to the arms I've missed, and I hate that Christmas Eve is in two days and my closest friends will be spending it with their boyfriends, while I sit at home missing everything. I hate the mistakes I've made, and I hate that I have to blame the otherwise wonderful season and my friends' happiness for my self-inflicted bitterness.

Baby it's cold outside...

I would rather have the stomach flu than a cold. My eyes are watery, my nose is runny, i keep sneezing, and i am exhausted. Not to mention the fact that high school doesn't exactly accommodate for the sickly. For example, I brought a bunch of tissues in a ziploc bag for today, however i'm running out already and it's only second period. So I've been using school tissues some periods and my puffs other periods. The only problem is that right about now my nose feels like it's on fire. School tissues are basically thin sheets of paper. They hurt! And plus, every ten minutes I'm sneezing, which just grosses me out in itself, and means I must go get more razor tissues. I hate the cold! At least the stomach flu means you can stay home from school because people don't want to be throwing up. But you don't get much sympathy for having the common cold-which is ten times worse in my opinion.
I just feel like screaming send me home! I'm going to infect the school with my cold, so send me home! But I can't go home because if I stay home from school, I have to call out of work, and I can't call out of work unless I'm dying.
And to add to the annoyance, I have my nose pierced. Imagine blowing your nose fifteen times a class period, with a piece of metal inside your nose.

Gluten-Free.

I'm allergic to gluten. This means that I cannot eat anything with flour, wheat, or barley in it. So no bread, pizza, pasta, cake, cookies, pretzels, and thickened soups, among other things. If I do eat something with flour in it, I get really sick for a few hours, and I'll see double of everything and get a terrible headache and really dizzy. I get flourdrunk. I love telling people this because the responses are hysterical. Most of the time I just get widened eyes, followed by 'then what do you eat?!', but the best responses are the questions.
Question of the day: Can you still eat french fries?!
Yes, friend, I can eat fried potatoes.

Hannukah, Chanukkah, Hanukka, Chanuka...

So I'm really excited because this weekend I will be celebrating Hannukah with a friend from school and her family. I've always been interested in different celebrations and holidays, but i've never taken part in any other than my own; Christian holidays. I think it'll be really cool to observe the different traditions and the games and foods and such. And really, I have very little knowledge on Jewish culture and Hannukah. All I know is there is a menorah and a dreidel and you win chocolate money. So it'll be really cool to see legit aspects of this holiday. I'll keep ya updated.

The Book Theif Monster

Something or someone is eating my books. Every time I look into my school bag, another book is missing. So far I'm missing my spanish notebook, my vocab book, a novel from home, and a novel from the library. I've checked my house and my locker and my classrooms. I've also checked my car. Where else could they be? I've come to the conclusion that there is a book theif monster in my backpack eating my books.

“It’s nights like this when the sky is on fire that give me hope that there is something more than this world, more than this suffocating pain. There is beauty somewhere.”

My Life is Average

So I've recently become introduced to mylifeisaverage.com, which might be my new favorite website. Not only is it more interesting than facebook, it can be accessed at school without getting written up. The downside: laughing out loud in class when everyone else is silently listening to the teacher.

Thanks Be To Existence

I am thankful for life. For something that I don't deserve in any form, I abuse and neglect the gift. I take for granted the breath in my lungs and love in my heart.
So thank you, life, for not leaving me just yet.

Things Change.

Thank you.

Yet Another Anxiety-Fueled Rant.

It's sad, how some things get less exciting as you get older. For example, going to a concert and meeting the band used to be the highlight of my week, but now it's just cool. Like, I really enjoy meeting the bands that I meet, but it's more like meeting any ordinary person. These people are just people, they don't hold the same special magic that they used to when I was young. Yet another example of my distaste towards change.
Things like going to high school football games and the movies and out to dinner used to be so special. What happened? I'm the kind of person who gets excited over little things, but even bigger things have lost their luster to me. Why have I changed? I don't recall giving myself permission to grow up. To change. I wish sometimes that I was still that little girl sitting in the car on the way to the skating rink, radiating excitement. I remember being a freshman and seeing my sister, a senior, and just soaking in how cool i thought she was. I was so excited to be a senior. But now that I am, I wish I had more time. I wish I wasn't being rushed to make up my mind about my life. I wish I was still excited about being a senior.
The problem is I get my hopes up. I put great things like being a senior and prom and having a boyfriend on pedestals, and then I realize they weren't the magical wonderful thing I had expected. I remember being so excited to start driving, and once I got around to getting my license I was just glad to have a way of getting to work. It's just weird to think about.
I was walking in the hallway with my friend Becca yesterday, and it kind of just hit me. We're seniors. This is it. There is no more high school after this, and I might never see Becca or most of the other people in my class again. It's just weird. We all have to move on, whether we're ready or not. I think I'll be ready. It's scary now, but I've still got seven months to get over it.

The Twilight Epidemic

New Moon. I am so freaking excited. Six days. I realize that a good portion of the world has an unnecessary hatred for the Twilight saga, but I don't care. I'm going to blog about my adoration towards the series. Edward Cullen, in particular.
I have this problem with Twilight. I tend to lock myself in a room for weeks reading the books. I don't talk to anyone, I barely leave my room. I just cut myself off from reality because the world I'm living inside of the book is so refreshing and exciting and just awesome. I think it's funny to observe the extreme followers and haters of the phenomenon. For example, you have some psycho girls that actually believe the actors are vampires and ask the actors to bite them, and then you have the angry boys that burst all the bubbles for the girls by saying it's not real. I think they're just jealous. I read something on fmylife.com probably around six months ago, written by a boy. It said something like 'my girlfriend dumped me because she said she wanted someone more like Edward Cullen. I was just dumped for a fictional vampire. FML'
it's a problem. Girls read these books and see these movies and expect to find guys in the real world like Edward Cullen. I'm not trying to be a hypocrite, I totally admit that I am one of these girls. I'm just stating the fact that the world is going crazy.
My sister likes to remind me of the madness. She's witnessed the weeks I spent hauled up with books and water in my room, living the fantasy. I remember her coming into my room to remind me to talk to my friends so that they knew I was still alive. I realize that there are some parts of the movie that are not very well-acted, but I blame Kristen Stewart because I think she's a terrible actress. Maybe I'm just jealous because I hate Bella because I want to be her.
And to all of you that say you hate Twilight and New Moon and such, why don't you read the book and watch the movie first. A good majority of the anti-twilight people are boys that have not read the books or seen the movie. So cool it and watch, then give me your opinion.
Who would have thought that this generation's heart throb is a vampire?

TWLOHA Day

To Write Love on Her Arms Day. It annoys me that so many kids participate at my school by wearing their twloha shirts and writing love on their forearms, but very few can explain what twloha is. Is that not the entire point?! To Write Love on Her Arms is an organization to raise awareness and spread love to the world, especially the people who are hurting. So out of the maybe twenty people I asked, only five knew why they had permanent marker on their arms. Ridiculous.
And how many are actually fulfilling the goal of twloha? How many are reaching out to the people suffering from self-infliction and depression and eating disorders? How many are showing love to the people with razor marks on their arms? I mean, we go to a public high school. I know at least a handful of people who cut themselves, and another handful that have eating disorders. We all see it everyday, and many of us don't do anything about it. So when a day like To Write Love on Her Arms day comes around, why pass up the opportunity to possibly save someone's life?
I'm just saying that if you are going to wear the shirts and write on your arms, know what you're talking about or don't do it at all.

BF vs. BFF

"You're better off without him, don't worry."
I was getting books out of my locker when a girl I barely talk to said this to me, then left. I just stood there like....what? Facebook is an interesting thing, and it's really good especially at letting the world know when relationships start and end.
Fortunately or Unfortunately, mine ended.
What's interesting to me is that everyone all of the sudden thinks they know me and they know my ex boyfriend and they know exactly how I feel. What was really interesting was this comment made by a girl I don't speak to. How would you know if I'm better off without him? You've never met him, you have no idea. What if he's better off without me? Everyone automatically assumes I'm the vitctim, I'm devestated, I'm desperate to do things different, I'm lonely and regretful. Well, nosy world, I am none of the above. I'm not the victim. I'm not the abused or neglected, and I have not be wronged against. I've realized that things happen, and the best you can do is learn from it, and do it in a gentle fashion, which is something I struggled with and probably failed. My only regret is letting my emotions get the best of me. But, then again, I learned.
I've also been getting numerous people coming up to me and asking what happened, wanting to know all of the 'dirt' on the break-up. Well, this is not a tabloid and I'm not a celebrity and there is no 'dirt' in most average break-ups.
I think that lots of times, people just grow apart without realizing. I don't regret much, because I've learned a lot about myself and about what I need to look out for. My advice is to appreciate friendships and understand that being 'just friends' is a great thing, despite popular belief.
I like it when I see girls and guys as best friends on tv or movies or day to day life. I think it appeals to me because it's someone to protect you, to care about you and to have fun with you. I've always wanted a figure like that, like an older brother or something. I, like most girls, want to feel protected and loved. Sometimes relationships just aren't the best way to get that.

Stupid Chick Flicks

I think that chick flicks are meant to give us unrealistic and sometimes unfair expectations of guys. For example, you can't expect every boyfriend you have to come running through the boarding gates at the airport and apologize and say they love you. That just doesn't happen. First of all, they would get tackled by security, and second, no one puts in that much effort. Every girl wants a guy that will throw rocks at their window and leave a rose petal trail to a candlelit dinner, but is it really logical to think this way? Guys are just as busy as girls are, and no one has the time to plan all of this out and succeed in doing so.
At the same time, it's kind of sad. I wish that it was more realistic for guys to go out of their way to get a smile from their girl. It's a totally unfair ideal, but it's all we've ever been shown. In every chick flick- which are favorites of the female population- there is a girl and a guy who go through a struggle, girl gets angry, and guy does some wonderous act to make her not angry. Then happy ever after.
I just wanna know, what happens the next time they get in a fight? Is he supposed to write her name in the sky every time they argue? Should she expect a love note on her pillow after each altercation? Of course not. That's just not practical. I do think that there is some sort of in between, however. For example, my sister's ex boyfriend used to send her cute good morning texts and messages on her computer about how he was up and just thinking about her and wanted to let her know. I think that's better than having your name written in the sky.
While it's wonderful, I don't think it is a necessity to have all of these lavish gestures given unto women. I think that the nicest things are the little things that come from the heart, like just telling your girl that you care.

Love Is The Movement.

It’s not our job to make everyone believe. Christians aren’t supposed to go to everyone and say hey you, believe in God because he died for you. If you are asked or you feel lead or if you are in a position to defend your faith, by all means speak of Him and His love. But you cannot go and shove your beliefs down people’s throats. Your job, as Christians, is to love as God loves us, and be a light so that people can see God shining through you. You’re supposed to take people and love and accept them.
You cannot go to a prostitute and turn up your nose at them and say they are a bad person because you are no better than them. You are smearing the name of God by rejecting these people, His people. Christians need to learn to love. We are so afraid of what is different from us, because we are afraid of challenges. We cannot give up on people who are gay or people who drink and have sex, we need to love them. We need to go to these people and say what you are doing is wrong, but you are loved. We need to let them know that they have a home in Jesus and a friendship in us and in the church. They need to know they are safe from the judgment of man.
It just bothers me sometimes that Christians preach fairness and not to judge, when we are the most judgmental of them all. Who are we to look at people and judge their actions? We can recognize the difference between right and wrong, but I am not the King of the earth, and so I don’t have the authority or the knowledge to judge my brothers and sisters. Don’t look down on me when I curse, because that is something I struggle with, which is between the Lord and me. Go ahead and tell me that it is wrong in a loving and gentle manner, because that is what is great worth in God’s eyes. But do not think of me as less of a Christian because I am human and I am struggling just as the rest of the world is.
People, just learn to love. Learn to blind yourselves to the dirtiness and ugliness of people, and reach out to them, because that is what is going to reveal the light of Jesus.

My God, What A World You Love.

I’m alone.
I’m not supposed to be, but I am.
I said I would never give in, never back down,
But I’ve surrendered long ago.
I fear the glass that shows the unknown me,
Only the tainted can see what I see
Only the broken can really know me
For I am the worst of them all
I was the first to fall
After claiming solid foundation
I’ve been breaking since creation
You said you would give me wings
And I believe you did at one point, my King
But they’ve been put away for so long
They’ve been used so incessantly wrong
So I’ve been hiding from the light
Because the sun is much too bright
Your love is
Much
Too
Bright.
And I’m ashamed to be seen at all sides
I’m ashamed to be living this lie
I don’t want you to see what is brewing inside of me
My smoky black insides are clogging up my heart
Drowning my poor heart
And I’m afraid my wings don’t work any more
I’m afraid my heart is much too sore
And my shoulders too weak to soar.
But maybe
Just maybe
Could you lift them?
Could you give me a running start?
Because maybe then we could jump start my heart
My heart and wings would both be a part
Of one person.
No double sided mirrors
No smoky black inside and painted pink outsides
Maybe then I’d be the real deal
Maybe then I’d be able to feel
And maybe then, just maybe
I could come home.

Swine Oh Nine

I will not get a flu shot, thank you. I've been told I'm stupid for not wanting one, but I think that's unfair to say. Every single time i've ever gotten the flu shot, I've gotten the flu. So I'm going to try not having the flu shot this year and see how that goes. And plus, I realize that what happened with Desiree Jennings is extremely rare like one in a million chance or something, but what if I'm that one? Vaccinations have potential for danger when they are new. I've already had swine flu, so I don't see a real need for a shot. Unnecessary danger for myself. So that is why I am not getting one. If you are so concerned of the fact that I refuse this, then get one yourself and leave me alone.

Bittersweet Nostalgia

I'm feeling nostalgic. I'm remembering how different life was before this year. I feel like everything has changed. I don't like change. I'm not saying that the changed that have occurred this year are bad because most of them are awesome, I'm just saying I'm a little afraid. Am I expected to loosen my grip on my friends that I have made over the years, because I'm moving forward? Surely I cannot take all of them with me, but do I really have to let go? Do I have to forget about the past summers, past vacations, past struggles that have shaped my being to this point? I feel like I don't even know who that girl was last year, so hopeful and innocent and young. I feel old.
I miss the feelings I used to get. The little things that would excite me so much before, now barely get a smile. I'm different. Somehow, someway, I grew up overnight. I don't know that I dislike this, but I'm definately a little curious as to how far this growing up business goes. A friend that I haven't talked to in months called me the other day. We laughed and talked about the dumb little things we did over the summer and months ago. We talked for a while and I remembered how much fun it was to be immature. To not care. I remember just being excited about life and care-free and happy. I wonder sometimes where that has gone. Did I lose it, or did I let it go?
Let me clarify, I am extremely happy with my life. I have a whole new, more developed excitement about life and a deep joy for the way things are going. I just miss jumping about it. I miss grinning at the thought of old memories. I think now, oftentimes, it just makes me sad. I want to bring everything with me. The old memories, the new life, the old friends, the new friends, I want it all.
I miss sitting on a pier in Florida with my dad, taking in the adoration we had for each other. A child and her father.
Memories.
Did I lose it, or did I let it go?

A for Effort

It's such a drastic change sometimes, going from high school to college grading. My teachers this year don't check my homework for correct answers, they check to see if it is completed. In college, if it's not correct you might as well not even do it. That completely unscrews everything we've ever been taught. The professors in this article said that if a student does the work, he will 'make' his grade, not receive it. This is complete nonsense. I know people that work for hours on assignments, but no one sees it, so it doesn't measure up. Professors don't see the hours students spend, just as parents often don't. Parents will complain that their kids aren't earning the grades they want them to earn, not realizing that their children are doing the best they can. It's nonsense.
Ha. If students developed a genuine interest in their field, they would worry less about the grades and actually learn. So, if a student grows an interest in a class that they are forced to take in order to earn their degree, they will succeed. What a fantastic philosophy. I wish that there was a way to earn a grade, but I think that ultimately it is received by the professor.

Boys vs. Girls

Boys have everything easy. They get the comfy clothes, they aren't easy targets for insults, they don't have to push babies out of their bodies, and they don't have to deal with all the insecurities that girls deal with. And relationships. Boys get it so easy in relationships. It's easy to make their girlfriends happy, all they have to do is give her flowers when she's angry or tell her she's beautiful or that he loves her. Girls have to do research to find nice things to do for their boyfriends. Boys don't want flowers or candy or to be told they're beautiful. They don't care. Boys don't have opinions.My sister told me that I was a bad girlfriend because I don't do nice things for my boyfriend, and he does everything nice for me. But seriously, is that my fault? I don't think that he likes me any less because I don't do 'nice things'. But now I feel bad. I want to do nice things. I want to show that I care about him. But the problem is, boys don't have opinions. Anytime a guy is asked what he likes to do or what he wants he's like 'i don't know, whatever.' Really great input. It's unfair. I could give you a detailed list of the things that I like to do and want to do.They have it easy, no stress. And again, they get the comfy clothes. Why is it that boy sweatshirts and sweatpants are that much softer and cozier than girls?Girls are easily labeled. If a boy were to sleep with ten girls, he'd get a pat on the back. But God forbid that a girl wears a low cut shirt. Then she's a slut. Where is the sense in that?! So girls are that much more insecure. We don't want to be labeled. We don't want to be seen in negative ways. We don't want to be told that our hair looks bad or we're not good enough. If a boy were to be told that his hair looks bad, he'd shrug it off and say okay and go back to whatever he was doing. It's nonsense.
I think that the trend should change. I think that it should be acceptable for a boy to say what he really wants, to talk about his feelings. It sounds dumb, but that would make it easier for girls who want to understand guys better. They say girls are confusing, but they are just as bad, they just don't put effort into it.
And don't even get me started on the baby thing.

To Leap, or Maybe Just to Hop.

I miss my sister. The whole going away for college thing seems really nice and exciting until you realize how much you're giving up. My sister gave up being in my life. It sounds cruel and horrible, but it's not intentional and it comes with having your own life. Sure, we talk on the phone and send each other pictures and such, but we are still severely separate. She doesn't know how I like to wear my hair lately or how my eyes light up when I talk about my boyfriend. She can't see that because she's not here.
Fourteen hours away is a long time. She's studying in the south, and she's having all of these great experiences and she's got awesome friends and a great life and I just wish I was part of it. I wish I could tell you what her favorite shirt is or where she likes to get her coffee or even what she plans to do after college. I just don't know. When we do come up with the time to catch up over the phone, we talk about what happened this weekend, what happened today. We try our best to update each other so that we can feel like we're connected. But it's hard to maintain a connection while being so far away.
She's still my sister and nothing will ever take away the fact that I love her and she's my best friend, it's just difficult sometimes when I know that talking to her will make me feel better, but I don't have the time to make a phone call or if she can't answer my call. At what point do we determine whether our busy successful lives outweigh or closeness? I'm not saying she needs to hop a plane and come see me all the time, and I'm not even saying anything needs to change. I'm just saying the way life works is rough sometimes, and it makes me rethink my own life.
Do I really want to go away for school? Do I really want to leave my friends behind? Am I willing to allow my busy, successful college life to override my bonds with the people I care about? I don't know. I don't know if going away is worth not seeing my best friend for months at a time. I also don't know if I'm willing to be that much further still from my sister. I don't know if I want my own life.
I realize that it's common to be nervous about school, as I've written about a few times already, I just feel like it's necessary to voice my anxieties in the hopes that i'll be more comfortable after I get them out. I think that there's got to be something good about college to make it worth it, because right now I don;t even want to go. I'm just holding on to the feeling I had when I visited my top school, and forgetting all of the nervousness. It'll work out, I know this. Not because I want it to or because I'm hoping it will. But because it has to. I'm risking a whole lot for this nonsense college business, so the least it can do is be good to me.

Teen Driving

I don't know why I disagree with nearly every article I read. But here we go, this one claims that teen drivers who have their own car are more likely to crash. When teens have their own cars, 'experts' say that they feel less obligated to be cautious and attentive, because it's their car. I don't disagree with this statement. I think most people are more careful when they drive cars that are borrowed or belong to their parents. Personally, I'm a horrible driver. Whether I'm driving my own car named Benny, my mom's car, or even if my mom is sitting next to me while I'm driving. It's just not good. I do agree that I tend to focus more if I'm driving my mom's car, but that's only because I realize that I'm not as comfortable with that car as I am with my own.
So, so far I agree. But as the article progresses, the author begins to speak of teen drivers as if it's an epidemic. Fear the teen drivers! That's not fair. My sister is an adult, and she is a far worse driver than I am. The author then continues by saying that teens whose parents don't give them extremely strict rules/limitations on driving are far more likely to crash.
What makes me laugh is the part where another one of these 'experts' says that it's "alarming" that so many teenagers have their own cars. Alarming. I think that's hysterical. I don't have the option of riding a bus home from school, and my job is requires me to drive to the other side of town. I have no other option than to drive. How am I to do that if I don't have a car? My parents are both working all day, so I can't borrow theirs or get a ride from them. It's necessary in this day and age to own a car. What's alarming is that while teen drivers are getting a feel for the roads and may not be great at first, adult drivers are nearly ramming my car to cut me off so they can make the light, or running through stop signs and lights because they're on their cell phones. where are the restrictions for them?

Big Bad Facebook

The things people complain about really amaze me sometimes. Facebook isn't out to get you, dear people of America. It is a website. If you don't wish to know exactly what a person is eating right now or what they thought of 'Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs', then don't pursue this site. Stay away. Take a deep breath, and don't look back. To claim that your relationships are being ruined by a website is beyond ridiculous. Must have been a really rock-solid relationship to begin with. I realize that I'm being harsh, but I really get annoyed after reading articles and articles about how technology is corrupting America. Look around, we're already corrupted. And it took a lot more than a website to do that.
I admit that I spend entirely too much time on Facebook, but I think it's better than wasting time watching some dumb reality show on tv or doing nothing. I'm catching up with my sister in Tennessee, looking through pictures of that wedding I missed, and sharing funny memories with my friends. I don't see corruption in that. I'm not completely irrational, I see that the days of communicating in person are quickly fading, but it's not a tragedy. I spend a great amount of time, maybe even more than I would like, surrounded by people. I don't find the need to Facebook someone sitting next to me, because the ability to speak is not yet lost to the majority of the population. I think everyone needs to just take a deep breath and relax. If you like Facebook, use it. And if you don't, stay away.

College or Bust

College. Ugh. I realize it's supposed to be like the 'Greates Years of Your Life', but I still don't feel like dealing with the decisions. So many decisions. I don't know what I want to be, what I want to do. I know what college I want to go to, and what major sounds good, but I have no idea what I'll do when I get there. I'd rather just let someone else make all the decisions and make the best of it.
My friend asked me earlier today what college she should apply to. "Rutgers, or Temple?" she asked me.
"Temple," I replied lazilly, reading an article on the computer. After agreeing and fishing through her application papers, she began to laugh.
"It's like the rest of my life," she told me, "and I'm picking it like it's candy."
It just got me thinking, what's the point? No one wants to deal with these decisions, very few are really ready to make decisions, yet we have no choice. It's easier to just pick this or that, and never look back. But of course, that is not the realistic way of thinking. Right now I have two college choices. Two. My school guidance counselor looked like she was about to pass out when I told her I 'only have two choices'. The truth is, I don't want to think about college, because it makes me sad. I have no desire to grow up and leave all of my friends and family. I don't want that. It's not even like I'm growing up to anything that is worth having. Bills, mortgage, long work days, sleepy eyes.
I worked from 8am to 5pm yesterday, which only happens about four or so times during the school year, and I hated it. I constantly looked at my watch and couldn't wait to just get out. I kept imagining what I could be doing. Cleaning my car, buying much needed winter clothes, studying my spanish terms, or even relaxing with my boyfriend. It's so rare lately that I get to sit and relax. When I complained to my mom, she handed out a very non-sympathetic statement: 'Get used to it.'
What if I don't want to get used to it? What if I want to sit and home and watch movies for a change, instead of studying or working, both of which are necessary for me to go to college, which is apparently necessary for life. I hate that. i hate that I can't amount to anything if I don't go to college. Don't get me wrong, I want to go to college. I do. But not yet. Everyone is always telling me oh, you're a writer, you want to be a journalist, right? Wrong. Yes, I will tell you I want to be a journalist because it sounds good and there's a major for it. But I don't want to spend every day at a desk writing about politics and the economy and other things that don't interest me.
I can't go so far away for nothing, when I'm leaving my friends and my family and every bit of my heart behind. So it's going to have to be something, this college experience. I guess the best thing to do is take the leap, and hope that there will be someone to catch you.

Work it.

Having a job and being a high school student is madness. School, work, homework. Eat, sleep, repeat. Where's the fun in that? I'm supposed to be so many things: a great student, a hard worker, an independent daughter, and then a teenage girl with a social life. What?! What about what I want? I know I sound like a spoiled child, but I'm trying to enjoy my last year of high school, and I don't believe that it's outrageous to want to have fun.
I resent that I'm expected to be this busy while still 'enjoying life'. Seriously, tell me to get a job and be miserable, or tell me to enjoy my life. It cannot be both. I see that having a job at my age is necessary and realistic and such, but I still don't like it, and it still takes a toll on me when I wake up in the morning exhausted and craving social interaction. I live for friday.

Fall Equinox

Happy First Day of Fall!
Go ahead. Celebrate.

In Response to a New York Times Article on Texting

Okay, people, it's time to calm down. All of these articles featuring physicians and psychiatrists speaking out against texting has gone too far. I'd like to look up their phone records and see how many texts they send in a month. As teenagers, we are looked down upon for texting by adults. When in reality, they are being hypocritical. I don't know how many times I have been in class or a public place and an adult-owned phone rings loudly, interrupting whoever is speaking or working. Where are the articles about that? At least my phone is kept on silent, and I can respond silently, without interrupting those around me.
We are living in a technologically advanced time, and cell phone use is frequent in our culture. If these adults have such issues with texting, then they themselves should first stop, instead of pointing fingers and trying to make their children stop. We're in high school, we don't have time to talk on the phone! Would they (being the accusatory adults) rather teenagers spend all night talking on the phone and running up the phone bill, rather than sending a few short texts to get the message across? I don't think so. I don't know anyone who has an 'addiction' to texting, or anyone whose life is being seriously affected negatively because of texting, because it's only communicating. It's not an epidemic or a bad influence or whatever parents like to call it. Your children could be spending their nights in much worse ways.
And as for this freshman girl that complained about permanent thumb pain/cramping because of texting, i suggest to her a new hobby, because that's ridiculous.

Autumn

I like the fall. It reminds me of when I was little, and I used to rake up the leaves and jump in them with my friends. I like the way the wind will bring smells of bon fires and cinnamon. I like dressing up in over-sized sweatshirts and scarves and sitting that much closer to the one you care about. But more than the clothes and the smells and the weather, I like the mood. Summer is wild and spirited and freeing, there's always rebellion. Once you get to autumn, the mood changes. It's more calm and loving and comfortable. Words obviously cannot justly describe the feelings that arise when the temperature drops. I just love it.
I remember being in fifth grade and sitting in the leaves with my friends, just smelling the cold air as it bit at my nose. I was completely care-free. The stress of life, though there wasn't much back then, wasn't a pressing matter. It was just me, sitting in the midst of beautiful oranges and reds, smelling my favorite smell, in my favorite sweatshirt, with my favorite people. It was bliss.
I think that I still try to take that feeling with me, to awaken it once September 22nd rolls around. I still believe that I can be that child, that content with life, once the leaves start to fall. It's been many years since that fifth-grade child, and many more stresses are prevelent in my life than were back then, but I know that the autumn holds some sort of magic that will melt away the stress and the conflicts of life, even if only for a while. I am anticipating wearing my oversized sweatshirts, smelling my favorite autumn smell in the frosty breeze, and sitting that much closer to the ones I care about in my great big leaf-pile.