I'm feeling nostalgic. I'm remembering how different life was before this year. I feel like everything has changed. I don't like change. I'm not saying that the changed that have occurred this year are bad because most of them are awesome, I'm just saying I'm a little afraid. Am I expected to loosen my grip on my friends that I have made over the years, because I'm moving forward? Surely I cannot take all of them with me, but do I really have to let go? Do I have to forget about the past summers, past vacations, past struggles that have shaped my being to this point? I feel like I don't even know who that girl was last year, so hopeful and innocent and young. I feel old.
I miss the feelings I used to get. The little things that would excite me so much before, now barely get a smile. I'm different. Somehow, someway, I grew up overnight. I don't know that I dislike this, but I'm definately a little curious as to how far this growing up business goes. A friend that I haven't talked to in months called me the other day. We laughed and talked about the dumb little things we did over the summer and months ago. We talked for a while and I remembered how much fun it was to be immature. To not care. I remember just being excited about life and care-free and happy. I wonder sometimes where that has gone. Did I lose it, or did I let it go?
Let me clarify, I am extremely happy with my life. I have a whole new, more developed excitement about life and a deep joy for the way things are going. I just miss jumping about it. I miss grinning at the thought of old memories. I think now, oftentimes, it just makes me sad. I want to bring everything with me. The old memories, the new life, the old friends, the new friends, I want it all.
I miss sitting on a pier in Florida with my dad, taking in the adoration we had for each other. A child and her father.
Memories.
Did I lose it, or did I let it go?
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