Bittersweet Nostalgia

I'm feeling nostalgic. I'm remembering how different life was before this year. I feel like everything has changed. I don't like change. I'm not saying that the changed that have occurred this year are bad because most of them are awesome, I'm just saying I'm a little afraid. Am I expected to loosen my grip on my friends that I have made over the years, because I'm moving forward? Surely I cannot take all of them with me, but do I really have to let go? Do I have to forget about the past summers, past vacations, past struggles that have shaped my being to this point? I feel like I don't even know who that girl was last year, so hopeful and innocent and young. I feel old.
I miss the feelings I used to get. The little things that would excite me so much before, now barely get a smile. I'm different. Somehow, someway, I grew up overnight. I don't know that I dislike this, but I'm definately a little curious as to how far this growing up business goes. A friend that I haven't talked to in months called me the other day. We laughed and talked about the dumb little things we did over the summer and months ago. We talked for a while and I remembered how much fun it was to be immature. To not care. I remember just being excited about life and care-free and happy. I wonder sometimes where that has gone. Did I lose it, or did I let it go?
Let me clarify, I am extremely happy with my life. I have a whole new, more developed excitement about life and a deep joy for the way things are going. I just miss jumping about it. I miss grinning at the thought of old memories. I think now, oftentimes, it just makes me sad. I want to bring everything with me. The old memories, the new life, the old friends, the new friends, I want it all.
I miss sitting on a pier in Florida with my dad, taking in the adoration we had for each other. A child and her father.
Memories.
Did I lose it, or did I let it go?

A for Effort

It's such a drastic change sometimes, going from high school to college grading. My teachers this year don't check my homework for correct answers, they check to see if it is completed. In college, if it's not correct you might as well not even do it. That completely unscrews everything we've ever been taught. The professors in this article said that if a student does the work, he will 'make' his grade, not receive it. This is complete nonsense. I know people that work for hours on assignments, but no one sees it, so it doesn't measure up. Professors don't see the hours students spend, just as parents often don't. Parents will complain that their kids aren't earning the grades they want them to earn, not realizing that their children are doing the best they can. It's nonsense.
Ha. If students developed a genuine interest in their field, they would worry less about the grades and actually learn. So, if a student grows an interest in a class that they are forced to take in order to earn their degree, they will succeed. What a fantastic philosophy. I wish that there was a way to earn a grade, but I think that ultimately it is received by the professor.

Boys vs. Girls

Boys have everything easy. They get the comfy clothes, they aren't easy targets for insults, they don't have to push babies out of their bodies, and they don't have to deal with all the insecurities that girls deal with. And relationships. Boys get it so easy in relationships. It's easy to make their girlfriends happy, all they have to do is give her flowers when she's angry or tell her she's beautiful or that he loves her. Girls have to do research to find nice things to do for their boyfriends. Boys don't want flowers or candy or to be told they're beautiful. They don't care. Boys don't have opinions.My sister told me that I was a bad girlfriend because I don't do nice things for my boyfriend, and he does everything nice for me. But seriously, is that my fault? I don't think that he likes me any less because I don't do 'nice things'. But now I feel bad. I want to do nice things. I want to show that I care about him. But the problem is, boys don't have opinions. Anytime a guy is asked what he likes to do or what he wants he's like 'i don't know, whatever.' Really great input. It's unfair. I could give you a detailed list of the things that I like to do and want to do.They have it easy, no stress. And again, they get the comfy clothes. Why is it that boy sweatshirts and sweatpants are that much softer and cozier than girls?Girls are easily labeled. If a boy were to sleep with ten girls, he'd get a pat on the back. But God forbid that a girl wears a low cut shirt. Then she's a slut. Where is the sense in that?! So girls are that much more insecure. We don't want to be labeled. We don't want to be seen in negative ways. We don't want to be told that our hair looks bad or we're not good enough. If a boy were to be told that his hair looks bad, he'd shrug it off and say okay and go back to whatever he was doing. It's nonsense.
I think that the trend should change. I think that it should be acceptable for a boy to say what he really wants, to talk about his feelings. It sounds dumb, but that would make it easier for girls who want to understand guys better. They say girls are confusing, but they are just as bad, they just don't put effort into it.
And don't even get me started on the baby thing.

To Leap, or Maybe Just to Hop.

I miss my sister. The whole going away for college thing seems really nice and exciting until you realize how much you're giving up. My sister gave up being in my life. It sounds cruel and horrible, but it's not intentional and it comes with having your own life. Sure, we talk on the phone and send each other pictures and such, but we are still severely separate. She doesn't know how I like to wear my hair lately or how my eyes light up when I talk about my boyfriend. She can't see that because she's not here.
Fourteen hours away is a long time. She's studying in the south, and she's having all of these great experiences and she's got awesome friends and a great life and I just wish I was part of it. I wish I could tell you what her favorite shirt is or where she likes to get her coffee or even what she plans to do after college. I just don't know. When we do come up with the time to catch up over the phone, we talk about what happened this weekend, what happened today. We try our best to update each other so that we can feel like we're connected. But it's hard to maintain a connection while being so far away.
She's still my sister and nothing will ever take away the fact that I love her and she's my best friend, it's just difficult sometimes when I know that talking to her will make me feel better, but I don't have the time to make a phone call or if she can't answer my call. At what point do we determine whether our busy successful lives outweigh or closeness? I'm not saying she needs to hop a plane and come see me all the time, and I'm not even saying anything needs to change. I'm just saying the way life works is rough sometimes, and it makes me rethink my own life.
Do I really want to go away for school? Do I really want to leave my friends behind? Am I willing to allow my busy, successful college life to override my bonds with the people I care about? I don't know. I don't know if going away is worth not seeing my best friend for months at a time. I also don't know if I'm willing to be that much further still from my sister. I don't know if I want my own life.
I realize that it's common to be nervous about school, as I've written about a few times already, I just feel like it's necessary to voice my anxieties in the hopes that i'll be more comfortable after I get them out. I think that there's got to be something good about college to make it worth it, because right now I don;t even want to go. I'm just holding on to the feeling I had when I visited my top school, and forgetting all of the nervousness. It'll work out, I know this. Not because I want it to or because I'm hoping it will. But because it has to. I'm risking a whole lot for this nonsense college business, so the least it can do is be good to me.