Forward, I suppose.

What do you do when you know it's your fault? When you know that you have ruined something and it cannot be fixed. What do you do when you know you've hurt someone and sorry doesn't cut it? What do you do when you've asked yourself the same questions for months and still can't find the answer...

What's your next move?

RIP Quibbs

So Quibbols died this morning. I had him for six months, which is longer than I had any other fish. I feel really bad because I tried really hard to take care of him and keep him alive, but he died anyways. I'm not really that upset, because it's difficult to bond with a fish, but I do feel bad that he died. I took a nap today after work, and I dreamt that this giant betta fish was in my toilet bowl and was hanging out the side saying 'you let me die'. It was really sad and actually it kinda freaked me out. I kinda wish I didn't flush him, cause I keep thinking about my dream every time I pass the bathroom. RIP Quibbs. January 29, 2010-July 15, 2010.

Heaven Knows, Heaven Knows, I've Tried To Find A Cure For The Pain.

I've been told that when things go wrong, you need to talk about them. Let it all out, talk about it, move on. But it's different when things actually happen. Not like breaking up with your boyfriend or getting in a fight with a friend or being nervous for college, although those can be rough too. I'm talking about agony. Being so broken down and devastated that you can barely move. Those kind of things. Like having someone love you with everything they are, and then find out that that person has six months to live. Like knowing that there will never be another person like them, with their wisdom or comfort or love. Knowing that they will be gone.
What is there to say? How do I possibly talk about it? I don't want sympathy or pity or people trying to understand. I don't want to bring anyone down with me. How can I explain how this feels? It's like my chest has this hollow burning that swells into my throat and out my eyes, but it doesn't stop.

It Is Finished.

Nothing Is Broken.
Nothing Is Missing.
It Is Finished.
Hallelujah.