Time Turns Flames To Embers, You'll Have New Septembers.

A year ago today marks a few things, one being my first blog entry on the eve of the first day of autumn 2009. I've been thinking a lot about that day over the past few hours. Where I was, who was with me, how I spent the day, my beliefs, my problems, my joy. It's been 365 days since that particular day, and everything is different. I always anticipated this time in my life as being scary and bad and wanting to go back to 'the old days'. That's what autumn has always meant to me-reliving the childhood days of Halloween and bon fires and love. But I've found, as I sit in my dorm room six hours from home and everything that was a part of me that year ago, that I like this. I like starting over, I like that I was thrown into this crazy place in life and I have to make new memories to replace the ones that defined me.

Now, when I think of Autumn I don't think of leaf piles and bon fires and boys as much. Instead I think of apple picking with my friends here at school, and the cinnamon that seems to be everywhere, and the chilled nights beckoning snow's arrival. I love autumn, and I'm excited about this one.

Hold On Child, Hold On, The Good King Is Near.

"My Princess Warrior,

It is time, My Warrior, to surrender your fears, your insecurities, your pain, and your loved ones completely to Me. I want your whole heart and mind and soul to be worry free. I want your complete trust so you can focus on your faith and be free from the spirit of fear controlling you. Give up the fight of trying to figure it all out. Don't let your circumstances hold your heart hostage or cause you to lose your confidence in Me. I am asking you on this day to answer this one question: In whom do you place your trust?

Love, your trustworthy King"

God is good. I'm leaving for college in five days, and it's exciting and scary and just crazy. Everything is in motion, and it's kind of freaking me out. In a time when I am so unsure and worried and afraid, I open my devotional book to this particular letter. God is here, and He hears my prayers and concerns.

Farewell, Seventeen.

So it's around midnight and I've gotten to thinking. My birthday is tomorrow, I'm going to be eighteen. I've been thinking about the past eighteen years and everything that's happened in even the past year. Unfortunately when I look back on the last year, the things that jump out the most are the bad things. I think of all the things that I had set out to do, all the promises I've broken, all the people I hurt, all the things I said I would never do that I did. And then i got to thinking, how did I get here? How did I get to the be the exact person I swore I'd never become? I have so many bad habits and heavy memories that I'm lugging around with me, and it's weighing me down. Well, no more. I'm realizing that I am not that person, I'm not who I was even yesterday. I'm not going to carry my past with me anymore. I am new, and I am redeemed.

But it can't be that simple, can it? I mean people are only human and we fall and if everyone has problems and bad memories, how can some people just let it go and be happy? How is it that some people succeed and some succumb? How is it that some people can just take a statement like 'everything happens for a reason' and just be satisfied. I'm not satisfied. I'm not content with fuzzy dull answers. I want to question everything, I want to get to the bottom of things. I want to be so sure that I am who I say I am, so much so that I can feel it in my heart. I want to be connected, to be passionate, to be on fire for everything.

This is the time, I suppose, to find out who we are in this world. Or maybe that's the thing. Maybe we're trying to hard to be a part of this world when we were never made to fit into this place. I don't really know. I feel fake. I feel as though I try to suppress who I am and how I feel in order to fit in to a group or a category or church or school. When really, I'm not too sure about anything. I don't know what I believe or how I feel or who I am.

All I know is that when I worship my God of the universe, everything melts away and i feel a fire inside of me, a passion. And then I'm satisfied.

Forward, I suppose.

What do you do when you know it's your fault? When you know that you have ruined something and it cannot be fixed. What do you do when you know you've hurt someone and sorry doesn't cut it? What do you do when you've asked yourself the same questions for months and still can't find the answer...

What's your next move?

RIP Quibbs

So Quibbols died this morning. I had him for six months, which is longer than I had any other fish. I feel really bad because I tried really hard to take care of him and keep him alive, but he died anyways. I'm not really that upset, because it's difficult to bond with a fish, but I do feel bad that he died. I took a nap today after work, and I dreamt that this giant betta fish was in my toilet bowl and was hanging out the side saying 'you let me die'. It was really sad and actually it kinda freaked me out. I kinda wish I didn't flush him, cause I keep thinking about my dream every time I pass the bathroom. RIP Quibbs. January 29, 2010-July 15, 2010.

Heaven Knows, Heaven Knows, I've Tried To Find A Cure For The Pain.

I've been told that when things go wrong, you need to talk about them. Let it all out, talk about it, move on. But it's different when things actually happen. Not like breaking up with your boyfriend or getting in a fight with a friend or being nervous for college, although those can be rough too. I'm talking about agony. Being so broken down and devastated that you can barely move. Those kind of things. Like having someone love you with everything they are, and then find out that that person has six months to live. Like knowing that there will never be another person like them, with their wisdom or comfort or love. Knowing that they will be gone.
What is there to say? How do I possibly talk about it? I don't want sympathy or pity or people trying to understand. I don't want to bring anyone down with me. How can I explain how this feels? It's like my chest has this hollow burning that swells into my throat and out my eyes, but it doesn't stop.

It Is Finished.

Nothing Is Broken.
Nothing Is Missing.
It Is Finished.
Hallelujah.