Time Turns Flames To Embers, You'll Have New Septembers.

A year ago today marks a few things, one being my first blog entry on the eve of the first day of autumn 2009. I've been thinking a lot about that day over the past few hours. Where I was, who was with me, how I spent the day, my beliefs, my problems, my joy. It's been 365 days since that particular day, and everything is different. I always anticipated this time in my life as being scary and bad and wanting to go back to 'the old days'. That's what autumn has always meant to me-reliving the childhood days of Halloween and bon fires and love. But I've found, as I sit in my dorm room six hours from home and everything that was a part of me that year ago, that I like this. I like starting over, I like that I was thrown into this crazy place in life and I have to make new memories to replace the ones that defined me.

Now, when I think of Autumn I don't think of leaf piles and bon fires and boys as much. Instead I think of apple picking with my friends here at school, and the cinnamon that seems to be everywhere, and the chilled nights beckoning snow's arrival. I love autumn, and I'm excited about this one.

Hold On Child, Hold On, The Good King Is Near.

"My Princess Warrior,

It is time, My Warrior, to surrender your fears, your insecurities, your pain, and your loved ones completely to Me. I want your whole heart and mind and soul to be worry free. I want your complete trust so you can focus on your faith and be free from the spirit of fear controlling you. Give up the fight of trying to figure it all out. Don't let your circumstances hold your heart hostage or cause you to lose your confidence in Me. I am asking you on this day to answer this one question: In whom do you place your trust?

Love, your trustworthy King"

God is good. I'm leaving for college in five days, and it's exciting and scary and just crazy. Everything is in motion, and it's kind of freaking me out. In a time when I am so unsure and worried and afraid, I open my devotional book to this particular letter. God is here, and He hears my prayers and concerns.

Farewell, Seventeen.

So it's around midnight and I've gotten to thinking. My birthday is tomorrow, I'm going to be eighteen. I've been thinking about the past eighteen years and everything that's happened in even the past year. Unfortunately when I look back on the last year, the things that jump out the most are the bad things. I think of all the things that I had set out to do, all the promises I've broken, all the people I hurt, all the things I said I would never do that I did. And then i got to thinking, how did I get here? How did I get to the be the exact person I swore I'd never become? I have so many bad habits and heavy memories that I'm lugging around with me, and it's weighing me down. Well, no more. I'm realizing that I am not that person, I'm not who I was even yesterday. I'm not going to carry my past with me anymore. I am new, and I am redeemed.

But it can't be that simple, can it? I mean people are only human and we fall and if everyone has problems and bad memories, how can some people just let it go and be happy? How is it that some people succeed and some succumb? How is it that some people can just take a statement like 'everything happens for a reason' and just be satisfied. I'm not satisfied. I'm not content with fuzzy dull answers. I want to question everything, I want to get to the bottom of things. I want to be so sure that I am who I say I am, so much so that I can feel it in my heart. I want to be connected, to be passionate, to be on fire for everything.

This is the time, I suppose, to find out who we are in this world. Or maybe that's the thing. Maybe we're trying to hard to be a part of this world when we were never made to fit into this place. I don't really know. I feel fake. I feel as though I try to suppress who I am and how I feel in order to fit in to a group or a category or church or school. When really, I'm not too sure about anything. I don't know what I believe or how I feel or who I am.

All I know is that when I worship my God of the universe, everything melts away and i feel a fire inside of me, a passion. And then I'm satisfied.

Forward, I suppose.

What do you do when you know it's your fault? When you know that you have ruined something and it cannot be fixed. What do you do when you know you've hurt someone and sorry doesn't cut it? What do you do when you've asked yourself the same questions for months and still can't find the answer...

What's your next move?

RIP Quibbs

So Quibbols died this morning. I had him for six months, which is longer than I had any other fish. I feel really bad because I tried really hard to take care of him and keep him alive, but he died anyways. I'm not really that upset, because it's difficult to bond with a fish, but I do feel bad that he died. I took a nap today after work, and I dreamt that this giant betta fish was in my toilet bowl and was hanging out the side saying 'you let me die'. It was really sad and actually it kinda freaked me out. I kinda wish I didn't flush him, cause I keep thinking about my dream every time I pass the bathroom. RIP Quibbs. January 29, 2010-July 15, 2010.

Heaven Knows, Heaven Knows, I've Tried To Find A Cure For The Pain.

I've been told that when things go wrong, you need to talk about them. Let it all out, talk about it, move on. But it's different when things actually happen. Not like breaking up with your boyfriend or getting in a fight with a friend or being nervous for college, although those can be rough too. I'm talking about agony. Being so broken down and devastated that you can barely move. Those kind of things. Like having someone love you with everything they are, and then find out that that person has six months to live. Like knowing that there will never be another person like them, with their wisdom or comfort or love. Knowing that they will be gone.
What is there to say? How do I possibly talk about it? I don't want sympathy or pity or people trying to understand. I don't want to bring anyone down with me. How can I explain how this feels? It's like my chest has this hollow burning that swells into my throat and out my eyes, but it doesn't stop.

It Is Finished.

Nothing Is Broken.
Nothing Is Missing.
It Is Finished.
Hallelujah.

Sorry To Disappoint...

Okay, so I know this is a total letdown, but I'm not getting a tattoo anymore. I actually couldn't sleep a few nights ago because I kept thinking about this tattoo and if I really wanted it and if it would be worth it and I realized that if I was having doubts, I shouldn't go through with it. I also like the idea of having a clean body, the way God made me, without ink. I still love tattoos and I'm not against them in general, they're just not right for me.
But the plus side is my mom might take my appointment, so at least it won't be a waste :)

The Sun Will Govern The Day, And The Moon And Stars The Night.

Okay here's my explanation of my tattoo that I have yet to get. The sun and the moon that is pictured on my blog page at the moment is a rough sketch of what I would like. I've always thought of my sister and I as the sun and the moon. The concept of the sun and the moon both being necessary for life and opposite yet similar creations has always interested me. The sun and the moon are, in my opinion, some of the most miraculous and beautiful creations ever. I read a poem once that spoke of sister sun being the light to lead her little sister moon, and sister moon always looked up to the sun and loved her for showing her to way and being the light to inspire her. I think of my sister like that. You'd probably understand why she's the sun if you knew her. She's just shiny. She's really friendly and bubbly and she's got this feeling about her that can't be described other than joy. Shiny. So that's what I think of. I think of myself as the moon. The moon is beautiful too, but very different from the sun. More reserved, more quiet and reflective. But both are necessary, it's like two halves that come together and make the world complete.
So yes, that is why I want to carry the sun and the moon with me always.

No Cookies For You, Airline Pilots!

So the airline near my area is on strike. Awesome. My gradnparents and uncle are supposed to be flying in on that airline on friday for my graduation. But, since the pilots want to get paid more, the flight will most likely be cancelled and my grandparents will miss their last graduation ceremony, as my older sister and I are their only grandkids. I just feel bad for them, cause they're really worried. I feel like the pilots are just being silly. This is a discounted airline, so a person needs to know that when they go in for the job, that they won't get paid as much as bigger airlines. If the pilots are paid more, the tickets will be more expensive and they won't be a discounted airline. I want to call someone, one of the pilots on strike. I want to tell them that this friday means a whole lot to my grandparents and it would be really great if they could get over their issues until the summer or something. I don't know what their issue is specifically, other than that they want a pay increase. But it seems like they're just having a hissy fit. It's like when I tell my kids at work they can't have a cookie and they get all huffy and refuse to do their homework until they get a cookie. And quite frankly, that doesn't make the situation any better for them because that just makes me want to throw away all of the cookies.
But anyways, I really hope that this gets resolved soon.

You Are My Joy.

I think recently I've realized that life really isn't easy. The problems and the pain don't just fade away. You need something to take it out of your life. Last night I got home from work, went into my backyard and laid down on my trampoline. As I sat there and stared at the sky, I was thinking of all of the bad stuff happening and all of the pain in my life, and how I was ever going to get back to the joy I lost along the way. Then I started to think about a praise song that I love so much, and as the wind blew the hair out of my face, I felt the lyrics running through me.

"He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, and I am a tree bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy. And all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me."
-How He Loves by David Crowder Band

I feel better today. I think sometimes I just need to remember how powerful the love of Jesus is and how easily he can heal.

You are my joy.

I've Got My Memories, Always Inside Of Me.

So tomorrow I leave for a weekend at the shore with my youth group. This 'LBI weekend' has been a vacation that I have participated in since I was fourteen, I believe. And now that I am seventeen and graduating, this is my last LBI weekend. I've had so many great memories: the classic mini golf photo we take every year, lasagna in the trees, climbing on roofs, football on the beach, tearful conversations, sun burn, nail polish, and m&m pancakes. One of my favorite memories is sitting on the deck in the dark with my friends, cuddled in oversized sleeping bags, watching the waves and smelling the sea breeze. I couldn't even tell you what we talked about that night, but I remember thinking how much I love my friends and I love those moments. I look forward to this weekend every year, because I love the escape from the real world, enjoying it with the same people that I have enjoyed it with for the past four years. The house is the same, the beach is the same, the activites are the same, but we are so different. And this is my last, as well as two other boys in my group that are graduating. I've decided that in order to combat the little time we will be there I will not sleep, and instead enjoy every second of listening to the ocean that I cannot see over the sand dunes and darkness of the starry night.

Heather

I miss my sister. It's strange sometimes to not be able to go to her room and watch her do her hair and listen to her music. She's really busy and so am I, but I think that almost makes it worse. So much is happening to both of us and we can't catch up. And it sucks when she comes home sometimes cause she loves her life so much in Nashville, and she doesn't like being home. But I like her being home. She's coming to my graduation in two weeks, and I'm really excited to see her. She's cool. You'd like her.

Gone With The Wind.

I watched 'Gone With The Wind' a few days ago with my mom for the first time. First of all, I had no idea that it was four hours long. Second of all, it was absolutely not worth those four hours. My mom roped me into watching it by saying I would love it because it's a chick flick and it's a classic and all that nonsense, but it was a lie! Chick flicks are when two people fall in love and then some type of conflict challenges their relationship but eventually brings them closer than ever. Like, love, happy ending. Boom boom boom. This movie was about some snobby rich girl that married a bunch of people she didn't love because the man she thought she loved was already married and then everyone dies. It was terrible. She got married to her first husband because she was angry that the man she loved was engaged, and then her husband died in battle. Then she loses everything during the civil war (she lived in the south) and she becomes really poor and starving and all the while she's taking care of the wife of the man she loves for some reason. And then she marries her sister's boyfriend because he's the only one with money. And then that man dies trying to defend her and she doesn't even care. And all the while there is Clark Gable pining for this girl and he actually loves her and so she agrees to marry him because he gives her back her luxurious lifestyle, and she still is in love with Ashley, the man from the beginning. And so then the girl has a daughter with Clark Gable and he adores his daughter and his wife, but realizes that his wife still loves Ashley and not him. So then he leaves for Paris with his daughter, and when he comes back he finds out that the girl is pregnant again with his child and he tells her something like he hopes she has an accident because he's still mad at her and then she falls down the stairs and the baby dies and she gets really sick. And then a while later he goes to apologize cause he feels really bad and their daughter then falls off her horse and breaks her neck and dies right in front of them. So after all this, the girl realizes that she is in fact in love with Clark Gable...and what does he do? He leaves her. After everything they had been through and they were so in love and struggled so much together, he freaking left her. I mean, I don't really blame him cause the woman is nuts and strung him along far too long, but still.
Like, I'm losing sleep over this stupid movie. I just can't stop thinking about how depressing it was. It was like four hours of never ending problems and death and broken hearts. I feel really bad for Clark Gable. I mean, he didn't even want to get married before he met the girl. He loved her that much that he changed his life plans and married her and had a daughter, and then he lost it all and was left with nothing, right back where he started. Except he was so screwed up afterwards because the girl basically sucked the life out of him. It was just really sad. He was such a good father. Things like that shouldn't happen to good fathers. or to anyone, really. Ugh, I just can't stop thinking about this stupid movie.

Oh, The Summertime.

Summer. Okay. I hate heat. Hate it. Loathe is more the word. So all of this humidity and blazing sunshine and such is really not my thing and I try to avoid it. But there is something I absolutely love about summertime. After a really hot, bright day, I love at twilight when it gets cool and dim and the fireflies come out but it's not quite dark yet. I don't know why, it just feels cool. It's relaxing, knowing that school is over and you have nothing to worry about and you can stay there with the fireflies all night if you want to. I like the atmosphere. I like not having to work, not having to go to school, having the only obligation of taking care of myself and enjoying my life. 23 days until I graduate and my summer begins, and while the heat is making me nuts already, I look forward to those summer nights with my friends, catching fireflies and enjoying life.

88 Days!

In the New York Times Article "Plan B: Skip College" written by Jaques Steinberg, Steinberg talks about college not being as 'worth it' as it seems. He talks about the fact that tuition is expensive and there are many people working in jobs that don't require a degree, who have wasted enough money to buy a house on getting the unnecessary degree. I wonder if he asked one of those people if they regret it. Both of my parents went to college and got degrees. Both of my parents are working jobs unrelated to their degree, and I've never heard them once say they regret it. I feel like college is a mix of so many things to shape a kid into becoming the person they want to be. A person learns just as much outside of the classroom as he does inside the classroom. I don't think it is a waste. I wonder if that mailman that Steinberg mentioned that has a 'wasted' bachelor's degree regrets going to college. I wonder why that wasn't mentioned in his article. Because it doesn't support his argument, that college is expensive and not necessary. I agree that college isn't for everyone. I believe that a person that wants to be a nail technician or a mechanic or a massage therapist could go to a tech school in a year and get certified and be completely happy. And if that's what they want to do, I say go for it. But to say that college isn't necessary in this day and age as for in the future is just incorrect. I will be arriving onto the campus of Gordon College in 88 days, and I will work hard, learn everything I can, and receive my bachelor's degree in Communication Arts. And it will not be a waste.

You Matter Very Much.

When facebook sends me an email about a cause or a group to join or a band to check out, I almost always delete it without reading it. For some reason, I read it this time, and this is what facebook sent me from a group called To Write Love on Her Arms...

"

You matter very much.

i hope you know you're not the only one who feels the way you feel. You are not the only one who struggles. You are not the only one with questions. You are not crazy. You deserve to be heard, to be known. You deserve love.

You deserve love.

You deserve a place that feels like home. You deserve some hands to hold. Hands to pull you past the broken moments, hands to catch you when you fall. Eyes to see you. To say you're there, that you exist, that you change a room, that your presence is significant. Ears to hear you - hear your stories, hear you laugh. Ears to hear your questions and to say they matter.

Your questions matter.

Maybe call a friend today or invite someone to coffee. Tell someone they matter or tell someone you could use a conversation. Write a letter or ask someone how they're doing. Like a song too much. Feel the drums or get lost in the chorus. It means that you're alive.

It's good that you're alive. Who else could play your part?

i hope you get to a place, wake to a day, where that feels true. You deserve to know it's true.

To Write Love on Her Arms is a community of people with questions and struggles. It is for broken people and it is led by broken people. Life is heavy and light. Life is both. Beauty and pain, aches and dreams... We are saying that it's okay to talk about those things. We are saying that we need to. We are choosing to believe that stories deserve better endings. That hope is real, that help is real, that people need other people.

You are not alone today. You matter very much.

Peace to you.
jamie

"

I like this.

Formspring

Formspring is an online bulletin board for people to post negative and sexual questions or comments about a person. I've read some different formsprings, and they're all the same. This person is a slut, this person's boyfriend is cheating on them, this person is on drugs. I don't pity the girls that get attacked on their formsprings with mean comments and such because they have the power to reject questions and comments and not have them posted. So maybe girls want the internet world to know that they sleep around or party or wear a certain size bra. It's not victimizing anyone, because people are deliberately allowing it. It's like Gossip Girl for the middle class. I think mostly formspring is directed to girls. I'm sure some guys use it, but for the most part, it's females. It's interesting because I've seen posts asking a certain girl if she was on drugs, and the girl answered the question because it was a popular rumor that she wanted to clear up and end. Does that mean the rumor will end? Of course not, but it may help. There's many reasons why people get formsprings. They want insight on how people see them, they want to clear up false accusations, or they're just bored. But be careful, because formsprings will tell you exactly what people are thinking. Personally, i wouldn't get a formspring, purely because I don't want to know what people think of me.

Prom 2010.

Prom tonight. It's weird- high school is coming to an end. It's a cocktail of emotions, really. I'm nervous because there is so much to be done, and I'm excited because it's going to be fun (i rhymed!). It's kind of depressing, because this is the last big deal I'm going to share with my senior class before graduation. It was a long ride getting to where we are today, and I'm glad to celebrate it...but I'm going to miss them.

Kyleigh's Law

Okay, so this article in the Philadelphia Inquirer has quotes from a mother saying how great Kyleigh's law is and how much it will help. That's just nonsense, that mother is naive if she really thinks that having a decal on her daughter's car will 'help other drivers be patient and understand she is a beginner'. New Jersey drivers are notorious for being flat out bad, impatient drivers. That little decal will just frustrate people because teenagers are assumed to be bad drivers. This decal is only good for giving NJ police officers something to do and letting pedophiles know that I am young and alone. I've heard of cases where people pretend to be police officers and pull people over and then assault them- and that was before this law. When my sister first got her license in 2007 she was pulled over by someone who was posing as an officer, and luckily she got away, and that was before there was any type of sticker identifying her as a minor. So now what? Am I supposed to be afraid everytime I'm driving alone with this sticker on my car? That's not right, and it's not safe, and I would rather pay the fine than risk my safety.
I'm glad that legislation is working to repeal it, it's just frustrating for now. My plan is to lay low and follow all the rules and try my best not to get pulled over, so that I don't get fined for not having the silly sticker. And honestly, the curfew thing is just annoying. I'm not really upset about it, because it just means I'll be going home a little earlier, but it is frustrating for the nights where I'm going out somewhere during the summer. My birthday is in august, so I'm going to be restricted up until I go to college. I hope that Kyleigh's Law is amended as soon as possible.

Christie For Prom King!

Prom. Prom is silly. It's supposed to be 'the highlight of senior year', but it's just a silly dance. I'm sure it'll be a good time and i'm kinda excited about it, but I don't think it's worth all of the hype and the money put into it. I wonder if now that Governor Christie is destroying everything else in school, he'll take away the funding for prom as well. Hmm, let's get into that a little, shall we? This man, Mr. Chris Christie, is our new Governor of New Jersey. I don't know all of the details, but what I've heard from teachers and students is that he is making a whole big mess in our area. I go to a good school. It's a nice public school in a good district, with good teachers and good programs. The terms that Christie is putting into effect are about to make my school a not-so-good one. Why is he doing it? Why is he attacking education, when that is clearly one of the most necessary structures in our society? I'd like to meet him, talk to him, try to understand his reasoning because right now it just looks silly. Why would someone vote for him? I have yet to meet someone who is happy with what he is doing. If everyone is upset about what he's doing...then why is he our governor? Why didn't they see this coming in his campaigns and speeches? It's just really sad for our teachers. Today was the day that 'pink slips' went out to the teachers, meaning that they do not have a job in this school next year. Most of the teachers that have been teaching for less than five years are not returning next year. Those teachers are for the most part the best teachers that I have had thus far in. The really sad part is that I know of several teachers that left a tenured position at another school to come to my school, and now since they don't have tenure at this school, they're fired. It's terrible. Technically it doesn't affect me because this is my last year in high school, but I still feel like something needs to be done. I really want to interview this guy. I'm interested in knowing what he's really thinking about this. Is he really a cold-hearted, money-obsessed man? Or is he just a guy trying to do what he feels is best for his state? I'd like to tell him how much this is hurting our schools and our lives even. I have friends that now have no source of income for next year, because their parents are teachers and now no longer have a job. I don't know that I really dislike the man, because I feel like I can't judge him when I've never even seen him speak. But I really don't agree with the things he's doing and I feel as though he needs to be told by someone directly affected, just how difficult things are becoming. Education is not a thing to waste, Mr. Christie.

Don't Wait For Someone To Tell You It's Too Late, 'Cause These Are The Best Days.

Senior Trip is over. All five hundred and thirty-something students returned late last night from a four day trip to Disney World in Orlando, Florida. Through plane delays, oil leaks, rainy days, sore legs, waiting in line, and sunburn...It was one of the best trips of my life. So many things went wrong, but it lead to so many funny stories. I was sitting on the plane last night watching the sun set above the clouds and just kept thinking how amazingly blessed I am to be having this experience. I was surrounded by all of my friends, laughing and yelling and singing and being silly, and I just kept thinking man, these are the best days. I'm young and I'm going to be graduating soon and I've got all these friends and all these opportunities and nothing is wrong. I'm starting to realize how little time I have left here as a senior in this town, and I'm not wasting any time being upset or stressed out. "Let's make the best of tonight, here comes the rest of our lives."

Moon Over Bourbon Street

Alright, now about my experience in New Orleans. My group left from Mississippi to New Orleans on the last day in the south. I had never been to New Orleans, but my sister had and I remember her 'warning' me about a street called Bourbon street. For those of you that don't know, New Orleans is like a huge party. There are tons of bars and clubs and rambunctious people scattering the streets, and it's a really fun upbeat atmosphere. However, no one could have adequately prepared me for Bourbon street. When we started walking, I was thinking oh, this is cool, I like all the balconies that line the street. But little did I know that those balconies are used as pedestals to throw beads off of to passerbys below. So I was walking down Bourbon street with the guys in my group, and I see scantily dressed prostitutes advertising themselves in the doorways of buildings, and photos of sexual activities in the windows of buildings, and it's just like a crazy sex-driven street. I didn't even know that was allowed! If women were to expose themselves on the street in my town, they'd probably get arrested. But in New Orleans it was like eh, no big deal, it happens. My mom just kept saying 'sarah, it's bourbon street, that's the way it is'. And so after already being a bit freaked out, I'm walking and all the sudden beads get thrown at me. So I look up at the man who threw them at me and he shouts "Let's see what you look like naked!!"
Like...how does a person respond to that?! I just stood there with my mouth open, trying to decide what to do. Run away? Yell at him? Pretend it never happened? In hindsight, it really wasn't a big deal, and it made for a good story later on. But at the time, I just wanted to hit that guy. Like why would he think that that is an acceptable thing to say to a female walking down the street?
Only on Bourbon Street.

Em Eye Ess Ess Eye Ess Ess Eye Pea Pea Eye.

So, I just got back from my spring vacation. I went with nine adults and three teenage boys to Mississippi to help with the hurricane relief. It's crazy to think that five years after Hurricane Katrina, the gulf coast of Mississippi is still in desperate need of relief. We worked with an organization called Habitat for Humanity, which takes volunteers and puts them on work sites to build new houses for people in need. It was such an awesome experience, working for Habitat. Not only did I feel accomplished after learning how to assemble and construct a wall frame, I learned so much about myself and what I am capable of. It's a great way to meet people from all over the world and hear their stories and what motivates them to spend their free time helping people that they don't even know. When I asked a teen boy why he chose to spend his spring break away from home on a construction site, he shrugged and said "I feel like my life is so much about me, it's cool to do something for someone else." Good answer, eh? It made me think, how much of my life do I spend on me, thinking about me? The majority of it, I'd say. It opened my eyes to the reason I was there and why I loved to volunteer. There are people all over this world that are in need of help, and volunteering to give them adequate and safe shelter makes their struggles greatly reduced. So many people say that one person can change the world, and it's so true. It doesn't take loads of money or perfect skills or extraordinary people, it just takes normal people, like you and me. I feel as though living your life in a way to help others is one of the best ways a person can spend their time. Over the course of the week I met a woman from India, a man from England, a group of boys from Kentucky, and men and women from Mississippi. It's really cool to see people devoted to making a difference in the lives of strangers at no benefit to them. Love is not lost.

Sexting

I think it's funny that everything in a teenager's life revolves around technology. Even being intimate with a boyfriend or girlfriend has been transferred onto technology. But, what's not so funny, is what's going on in the technology. Sexting. Honestly it just grosses me out. Nothing on cell phones or on the internet is ever private- so why would someone risk it? I don't understand why a teenager would take a naked picture of themself and then send it somewhere and expect it not to get around. That is pornography. It's interesting that the families of the teenagers who have taken the photos defend the teens, saying that they're just kids, they don't mean any harm. Well, imagine being that fourteen year old girl after a naked picture of her was sent to every phone in her high school class. No harm done? Yeah, right. They're just kids, they need to learn that they can't do that. They need to know the dangers and the consequences for their actions. About the case in Nebraska- I don't really know how I feel about it. An eighteen year old guy sent a sexual picture to his 14 year old female friend who requested it, and now that boy is registered as a sex offender. So all his life he is going to be looked at as a pedophile because he sexted a willing friend. I think that being registered as a sex offender is too harsh in this scenario. I do believe, however, that this boy should be punished and held accountable, but not to this degree.

That's What Faith Can Do.

Today both of my parents took me aside and told me while crying that a family member heard about how I was in a dilemma about college and so they decided that they want to loan me the money for my college tuition to Gordon. I can't even express how much this gesture means to me. After being so unsure and terrified and upset about what college to go to, this feels like a miracle. After praying about this and feeling like no one heard how upset and scared I was about it, I feel really thankful to realize that God hears me and He's taking care of me.

it Never To Helps To Hear That Things Will Be Okay

A senior girl died yesterday, from my school district. I didn't know her, never met her. I can't even imagine what these students are feeling. She was eighteen years old, just eighteen. We graduate in three months. This is supposed to be one of the best times of our lives, the end of senior year. And now, this girl...she'll never go to her senior prom, never go to graduation, never go to college, never have all the experiences that I complain about. I feel so guilty for complaining about college and school and prom when I am so lucky to be breathing right now. I think it's time to start realizing that no one is entitled to a long life, no one is entitled to life at all. This could be the end, so don't waste it. I wish that the students of this school didn't have to mourn yet another death, and I wish there was something that could be said or done to help the people I know that are hurting over this...but there isn't. I really don't know what else to say.

When It Rains On This Side Of Town It Touches Everything.

Despite all of the craziness that's going on, it's still a wonderful day. I love dark rainy days, cause it's quiet and serene. It's like a deep-thinking day where you realize how beautiful the earth is and how lucky you are to be alive. I'm not going to waste my time freaking out about what ifs, when I can sit in awe of the now.

Gordon...or bust? Oh well, bust will have to work.

Life is Unexpected. I have planned to go to Gordon College for two years now- I got the keychain, the car decal, the shirts, even the sweatpants. But, right before I sent in my deposit for my spot in the fall, my mom decided to recalculate our funds-just in case. And as it turns out, we can't afford it.
So...what now? I have two other schools that I have been accepted to, neither of which compare to Gordon. But there has to be a reason that we found this out, there has to be a reason why I'm not going to Gordon. I refuse to believe that this happened by chance or it's just 'life'. My other two choices are Eastern University which is a little less than an hour from my home and Liberty, which is six or seven. I haven't visited Liberty since I was thirteen, so my dad is taking me to visit in about a week. But, then I have to take off more days from school, more days from work, which makes my grades go down and my income less and it's like everything is piling up.
I visited Eastern in November and I didn't like it that much, but to be fair I already thought that I was going to Gordon. So I'm visiting that school a week from today. The reason I'm doing it so quickly is because if I have any chance of going to Eastern or Liberty, I'd need to accept the scholarships they are offering which expire april first if I don't committ to one or the other. So I have around two and a half weeks to make one of the most important decisions of my life.
It's not that I'm afraid of going to college anymore-I'm not. I'm afraid of being buried in student loans for the rest of my life. So where do i go? Virginia? Philadelphia? Boston?
How do people make these decisions?

V-Stands-For-Vomit Day

Every time I think about how happy I am to be single, something cute like valentines day happens, and I see couples all over the place. And then it starts. I start thinking- which is never good- and I start saying well, wouldn't it be nice? Aren't they cute? Wouldn't it be cute to be one of those couples? And then boom, it's all over. I'm one of those bitter single girls, wishing they had a valentine. It's just a stupid hallmark holiday, right? Well, then why does it have such an immense power over those who spend vday alone?
I was on my Facebook account earlier, and every status was either single girls talking about how much vday sucks, or girls in relationships talking about their awesomely cute dates with their boys today. Needless to say, this little lonesome vday syndrome will disappear by morning, I'm sure. But, in the meantime, I'm staying in my hotel room, away from the couples!

Be Mine...

Valentines Day. I love it. I love seeing the Valentines isle in the store and reading about cute valentines ideas. I love the heart shaped boxes and candy with cute messages and teddy bears and cute sayings and flowers. Way back when I had the same 'boyfriend' all through elementary school, and he got me a teddy bear or a necklace or something cute each year for valentines day. I miss those days. I've never received flowers before, and I think it would be nice. Though I've never had my own 'valentine', it's the one day where I can see other couples being cute and appreciate their affection, instead of getting annoyed. I haven't been home for v-day in something like six years, because it's the same weekend as president's day, which means a day off from school/work, which means my mid-year escape vacation.
This year, as well as last, I am going up to Boston to visit my friend Joby and my college. Last year I went with Joby and our friend Eli to the boston aquarium on v-day. This year, I don't really have any plans. Eli will be in Haiti helping with medical aid, so it'll just be me and Job. I want to see Dear John so bad, but I'm thinking Joby, being a sixteen year old boy, does not. So maybe I'll just go into Boston and watch all the cute couples, secretly wishing I was one of them.

Welcome Home, Quibbs.

introducing my newest pet, quibbols :)
and just in case he tragically dies like the others, i have a fourteen day guarentee.
but let's hope i don't need it.

Quest for the Perfect Fish.

I really want a pet fish. I was thinking about college and how much I'm going to miss my two dogs and so I decided to do some research. The only pets that are allowed at my dorm are fish and reptiles. Also, lately I've been playing with this application on Facebook called 'Happy Aquarium' and there's a bunch of fish that you can train and play with and such. I realize that in reality, you can't really train a fish. I still want one.
I like the idea of taking something living with me to college. Maybe I've gone off the deep end, but I guess it's like a comfort thing. The only problem is, I've never had very good luck with fish. I used to be a girl scout, and I'd get a fish every year from the carnival. One year I got about six fish and I took them all home and named them all after the dogs in my favorite movie at the time "Snow Dogs". But, one day I went in and there was only one left. So either they all ate each other, or they died and my mom flushed them without me knowing. The next time I got a fish, I didn't feed him very much. I was young, like seven or eight, and I didn't think he needed much food. So, he died. The next time I got a fish, I was so afraid he'd die like all the others that I fed him like five times a day. So, naturally, he died.
I haven't attempted to own a fish for about seven or eight years, but I think I'm more responsible now. I went to PetsMart or PetSmart or whatever it is yesterday with my friend and shopped for fish. I found a little black one with huge bulgy eyes and I instantly knew he was the perfect fish. However, this particular fish required a larger tank and a filter, which turns out to be kind of pricy for a spontaneous experience such as this.
Oh, I should probably mention that the death of my past fish may not have been all of my fault. My friend recently told me that filters are necessary with all fish. I didn't believe him, because my mom never told me I needed a filter, so it must be that I don't! Much to my dismay, I went to the store yesterday and asked the fish lady and she said yes, all fish need filters, except for the betta fish.
So, it was my lack of knowledge about aquatic caretaking, not my neglect or purpose.
Needless to say, I'm going to get a betta fish.

Bucket List

Bucket List:
Before I die I want to...
- meet Deisy
- put some crazy color like blue or pink in my hair
- get a tattoo
- hear someone's story
- visit a teenage rehab center
- ride a horse on the beach
- make an impact
- go to Alaska
- do something spontaneous
- adopt a baby girl from China
- meet a president
- take an art class
- touch a dolphin
- take a road trip to an unknown destination
- write a book
- stay from sunset to sunrise on a beach
- go to a concert with my dad
- start a non-profit organization
- have a conversation with jon foreman of switchfoot about certain songs
- run a marathon
- speak at creation festival
- give back to someone who has helped me
- sing at a karaoke bar
- ride a mechanical bull
- stay at Opryland Hotel

It's not morbid, just real.

I've never had a direct experience with death. I have known people in my high school that have died tragically and I have had two relatives die, but I wasn't really affected. I don't know if that sounds bad or cruel or whatever, but that's the way it is. So now, a young woman who I look up to and am close to might have cancer. She gets the results in a day or two, but I really can't stop thinking about it. What if this is my experience with death? I remember seeing the hollow look in this one girl's eyes after her boyfriend died in a car crash. It was like her eyes were completely empty, like she cried out every emotion she was capable of producing. I remember how heartbreaking it was just to look at this girl, let alone attempt to relate.
It's just crazy, the fragility of life. Two weeks ago we were care-free, no worries. And all of the sudden, a routine check up has taken a turn for the worst. It's like a fifty-fifty chance that my friend actually has cancer, so I guess I shouldn't be thinking that she has it, but I think that that's what people do. We hear about what might happen, and automatically assume that it will happen so that we can try to prepare ourselves. Our hearts are just as fragile as our mortality.
So what about me? What if it was me who was dying? What if I found out next week that I'm dying of cancer? Then, things like prom and midterms and college and boyfriends just fade away. They don't matter. It's ridiculous, how much I stress and focus on change and relationships and money and myself. It's all crap, all of it. None of it adds up to anything. What really matters is what is inside of myself, what cannot be accessed by anyone or anything but me, Sarah. What really matters is how I exert my insides into the air, the atmosphere, my daily life. What really matters is spending time laughing with my best friend after crying over my friend's possible illness. What really matters is smiling, saying sorry, hugging, and reconnecting with the people I have been 'getting around' to speaking with for too long.
What really matters is living, because it could be my last day.

Deisy

I want to go to Colombia. I sponsor a six-year-old girl named Deisy through an organization called Compassion International. For less than forty dollars a month, I can be sure that Deisy has clean water, medical attention, food, and schooling. I've sponsored her for a little over a year, and it was probably the best decision I've ever made. I love kids. I love working with them at my job, I love babysitting them, and I love talking to them. After hearing about the poverty and child labor problems all over the world, I wanted to help.
Really, I just want Deisy to be able to go to school and have food to eat and have the opportunity to live. An estimated 134 million 15-24 year olds are illiterate. Roughly 884 million people do not have access to clean water. More than six million children die from malnutrition each year. I am determined to make sure that Deisy doesn't become another statistic.
I have her letters that she writes me hanging on my door in my bedroom. The pictures she draws for me are hanging over my bed. She's so cute, she's got a doll named Margarita that she draws pictures of all the time, and she writes that she wishes she could show me her doll in real life. My favorite picture of all time is the one she sent me a few months ago, of two stick figures holding hands, named Sarah and Deisy, with Margarita beside Deisy of course.
I can't send her actual gifts, like a jump rope or a new doll, but I can send her whatever can fit in a standard size envelope and still be flat. So I usually just send her postcards and explain about my college and such. She asks me in every single letter to send another photo of myself. She says she has a collection that she shows to all her friends. Her mother wrote me and told me about how much I mean to Deisy. I can't even explain how good it feels to hear that I am directly changing the life of a little girl. That I mean the world to a little girl in a far away country. I want to go so badly to visit her, which is entirely possible. The organization offers several trips to bring sponsors and children together. I think I'm going to wait until she's around ten or eleven until I visit her, and hopefully the area that she lives in will be safer for Americans at that point. I'm going to buy her a jump rope and a hula hoop, because those are favorite things to do.
I am only her sponsor until she is eighteen, but I hope to support her for my lifetime. She's my little girl, and I love her.

South Pacific

I love Broadway. I just saw South Pacific last weekend in New York City, and it was wonderful. It takes place on an island during World War II, and follows around the personal affairs of a navy nurse and a lieutenant and a local man. I guess it's kind of a chick flick type musical, but I've found that they usually are. Oh man, it was just such a good show. The actors were great, the singing was awesome, and the orchestra was ridiculous. So good. I want to go back and see another!

NeverNeverLand or Bust.

I think over winter break, everything became real. I was no longer a teenage girl enjoying her last high school winter break, I became me, experiencing my last break with friends. It's me, one step closer to a completely different life. I haven't slept soundly since this epiphany. For example, last night as I laid in bed for four hours before falling asleep, I kept thinking about prom and the senior trip and college and how it's ending. My comfortable life here is ending. I will never see some of these people again, and that scares me. What if I don't fit in at college, what if I fail? I have a headache.
What if I realize I'm not a good writer, not a good speaker, not a good person? What if I can't decide who I want to be before I go? And what if I can't force myself to forget the memories that keep me awake at night? What if I'm going so far to run away, and I'm still not happy?
I just can't believe it's almost over. I can't believe that my best friend is going to be so far away. I can't believe that I'm throwing myself into a completely different atmosphere five hours away. I don't want to be forgotten. I don't want to grow up. And I don't want to face the reality that this is happening.
I'm almost thankful for these pointless next few months of high school. It's frustrating because I'm already accepted and I technically don't need these grades or these classes anymore. Like seriously, how is another semester of high school gym class going to better my education? But I am still secretly glad I have a final semester of high school gym class, because it is my last, and it means I'm still here, I haven't gone yet.
This is so stressful. I'm stressed about being stressed. I know that once I start planning and stressing about senior trip and prom, it will be here and then over. Why did it come so fast? And it's not like I'm the only one going through this, my entire senior class is anticipating transition. But I don't know if everyone is losing sleep over this. I feel like an adult.