It's not morbid, just real.

I've never had a direct experience with death. I have known people in my high school that have died tragically and I have had two relatives die, but I wasn't really affected. I don't know if that sounds bad or cruel or whatever, but that's the way it is. So now, a young woman who I look up to and am close to might have cancer. She gets the results in a day or two, but I really can't stop thinking about it. What if this is my experience with death? I remember seeing the hollow look in this one girl's eyes after her boyfriend died in a car crash. It was like her eyes were completely empty, like she cried out every emotion she was capable of producing. I remember how heartbreaking it was just to look at this girl, let alone attempt to relate.
It's just crazy, the fragility of life. Two weeks ago we were care-free, no worries. And all of the sudden, a routine check up has taken a turn for the worst. It's like a fifty-fifty chance that my friend actually has cancer, so I guess I shouldn't be thinking that she has it, but I think that that's what people do. We hear about what might happen, and automatically assume that it will happen so that we can try to prepare ourselves. Our hearts are just as fragile as our mortality.
So what about me? What if it was me who was dying? What if I found out next week that I'm dying of cancer? Then, things like prom and midterms and college and boyfriends just fade away. They don't matter. It's ridiculous, how much I stress and focus on change and relationships and money and myself. It's all crap, all of it. None of it adds up to anything. What really matters is what is inside of myself, what cannot be accessed by anyone or anything but me, Sarah. What really matters is how I exert my insides into the air, the atmosphere, my daily life. What really matters is spending time laughing with my best friend after crying over my friend's possible illness. What really matters is smiling, saying sorry, hugging, and reconnecting with the people I have been 'getting around' to speaking with for too long.
What really matters is living, because it could be my last day.