Bittersweet Nostalgia

I'm feeling nostalgic. I'm remembering how different life was before this year. I feel like everything has changed. I don't like change. I'm not saying that the changed that have occurred this year are bad because most of them are awesome, I'm just saying I'm a little afraid. Am I expected to loosen my grip on my friends that I have made over the years, because I'm moving forward? Surely I cannot take all of them with me, but do I really have to let go? Do I have to forget about the past summers, past vacations, past struggles that have shaped my being to this point? I feel like I don't even know who that girl was last year, so hopeful and innocent and young. I feel old.
I miss the feelings I used to get. The little things that would excite me so much before, now barely get a smile. I'm different. Somehow, someway, I grew up overnight. I don't know that I dislike this, but I'm definately a little curious as to how far this growing up business goes. A friend that I haven't talked to in months called me the other day. We laughed and talked about the dumb little things we did over the summer and months ago. We talked for a while and I remembered how much fun it was to be immature. To not care. I remember just being excited about life and care-free and happy. I wonder sometimes where that has gone. Did I lose it, or did I let it go?
Let me clarify, I am extremely happy with my life. I have a whole new, more developed excitement about life and a deep joy for the way things are going. I just miss jumping about it. I miss grinning at the thought of old memories. I think now, oftentimes, it just makes me sad. I want to bring everything with me. The old memories, the new life, the old friends, the new friends, I want it all.
I miss sitting on a pier in Florida with my dad, taking in the adoration we had for each other. A child and her father.
Memories.
Did I lose it, or did I let it go?

A for Effort

It's such a drastic change sometimes, going from high school to college grading. My teachers this year don't check my homework for correct answers, they check to see if it is completed. In college, if it's not correct you might as well not even do it. That completely unscrews everything we've ever been taught. The professors in this article said that if a student does the work, he will 'make' his grade, not receive it. This is complete nonsense. I know people that work for hours on assignments, but no one sees it, so it doesn't measure up. Professors don't see the hours students spend, just as parents often don't. Parents will complain that their kids aren't earning the grades they want them to earn, not realizing that their children are doing the best they can. It's nonsense.
Ha. If students developed a genuine interest in their field, they would worry less about the grades and actually learn. So, if a student grows an interest in a class that they are forced to take in order to earn their degree, they will succeed. What a fantastic philosophy. I wish that there was a way to earn a grade, but I think that ultimately it is received by the professor.

Boys vs. Girls

Boys have everything easy. They get the comfy clothes, they aren't easy targets for insults, they don't have to push babies out of their bodies, and they don't have to deal with all the insecurities that girls deal with. And relationships. Boys get it so easy in relationships. It's easy to make their girlfriends happy, all they have to do is give her flowers when she's angry or tell her she's beautiful or that he loves her. Girls have to do research to find nice things to do for their boyfriends. Boys don't want flowers or candy or to be told they're beautiful. They don't care. Boys don't have opinions.My sister told me that I was a bad girlfriend because I don't do nice things for my boyfriend, and he does everything nice for me. But seriously, is that my fault? I don't think that he likes me any less because I don't do 'nice things'. But now I feel bad. I want to do nice things. I want to show that I care about him. But the problem is, boys don't have opinions. Anytime a guy is asked what he likes to do or what he wants he's like 'i don't know, whatever.' Really great input. It's unfair. I could give you a detailed list of the things that I like to do and want to do.They have it easy, no stress. And again, they get the comfy clothes. Why is it that boy sweatshirts and sweatpants are that much softer and cozier than girls?Girls are easily labeled. If a boy were to sleep with ten girls, he'd get a pat on the back. But God forbid that a girl wears a low cut shirt. Then she's a slut. Where is the sense in that?! So girls are that much more insecure. We don't want to be labeled. We don't want to be seen in negative ways. We don't want to be told that our hair looks bad or we're not good enough. If a boy were to be told that his hair looks bad, he'd shrug it off and say okay and go back to whatever he was doing. It's nonsense.
I think that the trend should change. I think that it should be acceptable for a boy to say what he really wants, to talk about his feelings. It sounds dumb, but that would make it easier for girls who want to understand guys better. They say girls are confusing, but they are just as bad, they just don't put effort into it.
And don't even get me started on the baby thing.

To Leap, or Maybe Just to Hop.

I miss my sister. The whole going away for college thing seems really nice and exciting until you realize how much you're giving up. My sister gave up being in my life. It sounds cruel and horrible, but it's not intentional and it comes with having your own life. Sure, we talk on the phone and send each other pictures and such, but we are still severely separate. She doesn't know how I like to wear my hair lately or how my eyes light up when I talk about my boyfriend. She can't see that because she's not here.
Fourteen hours away is a long time. She's studying in the south, and she's having all of these great experiences and she's got awesome friends and a great life and I just wish I was part of it. I wish I could tell you what her favorite shirt is or where she likes to get her coffee or even what she plans to do after college. I just don't know. When we do come up with the time to catch up over the phone, we talk about what happened this weekend, what happened today. We try our best to update each other so that we can feel like we're connected. But it's hard to maintain a connection while being so far away.
She's still my sister and nothing will ever take away the fact that I love her and she's my best friend, it's just difficult sometimes when I know that talking to her will make me feel better, but I don't have the time to make a phone call or if she can't answer my call. At what point do we determine whether our busy successful lives outweigh or closeness? I'm not saying she needs to hop a plane and come see me all the time, and I'm not even saying anything needs to change. I'm just saying the way life works is rough sometimes, and it makes me rethink my own life.
Do I really want to go away for school? Do I really want to leave my friends behind? Am I willing to allow my busy, successful college life to override my bonds with the people I care about? I don't know. I don't know if going away is worth not seeing my best friend for months at a time. I also don't know if I'm willing to be that much further still from my sister. I don't know if I want my own life.
I realize that it's common to be nervous about school, as I've written about a few times already, I just feel like it's necessary to voice my anxieties in the hopes that i'll be more comfortable after I get them out. I think that there's got to be something good about college to make it worth it, because right now I don;t even want to go. I'm just holding on to the feeling I had when I visited my top school, and forgetting all of the nervousness. It'll work out, I know this. Not because I want it to or because I'm hoping it will. But because it has to. I'm risking a whole lot for this nonsense college business, so the least it can do is be good to me.

Teen Driving

I don't know why I disagree with nearly every article I read. But here we go, this one claims that teen drivers who have their own car are more likely to crash. When teens have their own cars, 'experts' say that they feel less obligated to be cautious and attentive, because it's their car. I don't disagree with this statement. I think most people are more careful when they drive cars that are borrowed or belong to their parents. Personally, I'm a horrible driver. Whether I'm driving my own car named Benny, my mom's car, or even if my mom is sitting next to me while I'm driving. It's just not good. I do agree that I tend to focus more if I'm driving my mom's car, but that's only because I realize that I'm not as comfortable with that car as I am with my own.
So, so far I agree. But as the article progresses, the author begins to speak of teen drivers as if it's an epidemic. Fear the teen drivers! That's not fair. My sister is an adult, and she is a far worse driver than I am. The author then continues by saying that teens whose parents don't give them extremely strict rules/limitations on driving are far more likely to crash.
What makes me laugh is the part where another one of these 'experts' says that it's "alarming" that so many teenagers have their own cars. Alarming. I think that's hysterical. I don't have the option of riding a bus home from school, and my job is requires me to drive to the other side of town. I have no other option than to drive. How am I to do that if I don't have a car? My parents are both working all day, so I can't borrow theirs or get a ride from them. It's necessary in this day and age to own a car. What's alarming is that while teen drivers are getting a feel for the roads and may not be great at first, adult drivers are nearly ramming my car to cut me off so they can make the light, or running through stop signs and lights because they're on their cell phones. where are the restrictions for them?

Big Bad Facebook

The things people complain about really amaze me sometimes. Facebook isn't out to get you, dear people of America. It is a website. If you don't wish to know exactly what a person is eating right now or what they thought of 'Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs', then don't pursue this site. Stay away. Take a deep breath, and don't look back. To claim that your relationships are being ruined by a website is beyond ridiculous. Must have been a really rock-solid relationship to begin with. I realize that I'm being harsh, but I really get annoyed after reading articles and articles about how technology is corrupting America. Look around, we're already corrupted. And it took a lot more than a website to do that.
I admit that I spend entirely too much time on Facebook, but I think it's better than wasting time watching some dumb reality show on tv or doing nothing. I'm catching up with my sister in Tennessee, looking through pictures of that wedding I missed, and sharing funny memories with my friends. I don't see corruption in that. I'm not completely irrational, I see that the days of communicating in person are quickly fading, but it's not a tragedy. I spend a great amount of time, maybe even more than I would like, surrounded by people. I don't find the need to Facebook someone sitting next to me, because the ability to speak is not yet lost to the majority of the population. I think everyone needs to just take a deep breath and relax. If you like Facebook, use it. And if you don't, stay away.

College or Bust

College. Ugh. I realize it's supposed to be like the 'Greates Years of Your Life', but I still don't feel like dealing with the decisions. So many decisions. I don't know what I want to be, what I want to do. I know what college I want to go to, and what major sounds good, but I have no idea what I'll do when I get there. I'd rather just let someone else make all the decisions and make the best of it.
My friend asked me earlier today what college she should apply to. "Rutgers, or Temple?" she asked me.
"Temple," I replied lazilly, reading an article on the computer. After agreeing and fishing through her application papers, she began to laugh.
"It's like the rest of my life," she told me, "and I'm picking it like it's candy."
It just got me thinking, what's the point? No one wants to deal with these decisions, very few are really ready to make decisions, yet we have no choice. It's easier to just pick this or that, and never look back. But of course, that is not the realistic way of thinking. Right now I have two college choices. Two. My school guidance counselor looked like she was about to pass out when I told her I 'only have two choices'. The truth is, I don't want to think about college, because it makes me sad. I have no desire to grow up and leave all of my friends and family. I don't want that. It's not even like I'm growing up to anything that is worth having. Bills, mortgage, long work days, sleepy eyes.
I worked from 8am to 5pm yesterday, which only happens about four or so times during the school year, and I hated it. I constantly looked at my watch and couldn't wait to just get out. I kept imagining what I could be doing. Cleaning my car, buying much needed winter clothes, studying my spanish terms, or even relaxing with my boyfriend. It's so rare lately that I get to sit and relax. When I complained to my mom, she handed out a very non-sympathetic statement: 'Get used to it.'
What if I don't want to get used to it? What if I want to sit and home and watch movies for a change, instead of studying or working, both of which are necessary for me to go to college, which is apparently necessary for life. I hate that. i hate that I can't amount to anything if I don't go to college. Don't get me wrong, I want to go to college. I do. But not yet. Everyone is always telling me oh, you're a writer, you want to be a journalist, right? Wrong. Yes, I will tell you I want to be a journalist because it sounds good and there's a major for it. But I don't want to spend every day at a desk writing about politics and the economy and other things that don't interest me.
I can't go so far away for nothing, when I'm leaving my friends and my family and every bit of my heart behind. So it's going to have to be something, this college experience. I guess the best thing to do is take the leap, and hope that there will be someone to catch you.