Forward, I suppose.

What do you do when you know it's your fault? When you know that you have ruined something and it cannot be fixed. What do you do when you know you've hurt someone and sorry doesn't cut it? What do you do when you've asked yourself the same questions for months and still can't find the answer...

What's your next move?

RIP Quibbs

So Quibbols died this morning. I had him for six months, which is longer than I had any other fish. I feel really bad because I tried really hard to take care of him and keep him alive, but he died anyways. I'm not really that upset, because it's difficult to bond with a fish, but I do feel bad that he died. I took a nap today after work, and I dreamt that this giant betta fish was in my toilet bowl and was hanging out the side saying 'you let me die'. It was really sad and actually it kinda freaked me out. I kinda wish I didn't flush him, cause I keep thinking about my dream every time I pass the bathroom. RIP Quibbs. January 29, 2010-July 15, 2010.

Heaven Knows, Heaven Knows, I've Tried To Find A Cure For The Pain.

I've been told that when things go wrong, you need to talk about them. Let it all out, talk about it, move on. But it's different when things actually happen. Not like breaking up with your boyfriend or getting in a fight with a friend or being nervous for college, although those can be rough too. I'm talking about agony. Being so broken down and devastated that you can barely move. Those kind of things. Like having someone love you with everything they are, and then find out that that person has six months to live. Like knowing that there will never be another person like them, with their wisdom or comfort or love. Knowing that they will be gone.
What is there to say? How do I possibly talk about it? I don't want sympathy or pity or people trying to understand. I don't want to bring anyone down with me. How can I explain how this feels? It's like my chest has this hollow burning that swells into my throat and out my eyes, but it doesn't stop.

It Is Finished.

Nothing Is Broken.
Nothing Is Missing.
It Is Finished.
Hallelujah.

Sorry To Disappoint...

Okay, so I know this is a total letdown, but I'm not getting a tattoo anymore. I actually couldn't sleep a few nights ago because I kept thinking about this tattoo and if I really wanted it and if it would be worth it and I realized that if I was having doubts, I shouldn't go through with it. I also like the idea of having a clean body, the way God made me, without ink. I still love tattoos and I'm not against them in general, they're just not right for me.
But the plus side is my mom might take my appointment, so at least it won't be a waste :)

The Sun Will Govern The Day, And The Moon And Stars The Night.

Okay here's my explanation of my tattoo that I have yet to get. The sun and the moon that is pictured on my blog page at the moment is a rough sketch of what I would like. I've always thought of my sister and I as the sun and the moon. The concept of the sun and the moon both being necessary for life and opposite yet similar creations has always interested me. The sun and the moon are, in my opinion, some of the most miraculous and beautiful creations ever. I read a poem once that spoke of sister sun being the light to lead her little sister moon, and sister moon always looked up to the sun and loved her for showing her to way and being the light to inspire her. I think of my sister like that. You'd probably understand why she's the sun if you knew her. She's just shiny. She's really friendly and bubbly and she's got this feeling about her that can't be described other than joy. Shiny. So that's what I think of. I think of myself as the moon. The moon is beautiful too, but very different from the sun. More reserved, more quiet and reflective. But both are necessary, it's like two halves that come together and make the world complete.
So yes, that is why I want to carry the sun and the moon with me always.

No Cookies For You, Airline Pilots!

So the airline near my area is on strike. Awesome. My gradnparents and uncle are supposed to be flying in on that airline on friday for my graduation. But, since the pilots want to get paid more, the flight will most likely be cancelled and my grandparents will miss their last graduation ceremony, as my older sister and I are their only grandkids. I just feel bad for them, cause they're really worried. I feel like the pilots are just being silly. This is a discounted airline, so a person needs to know that when they go in for the job, that they won't get paid as much as bigger airlines. If the pilots are paid more, the tickets will be more expensive and they won't be a discounted airline. I want to call someone, one of the pilots on strike. I want to tell them that this friday means a whole lot to my grandparents and it would be really great if they could get over their issues until the summer or something. I don't know what their issue is specifically, other than that they want a pay increase. But it seems like they're just having a hissy fit. It's like when I tell my kids at work they can't have a cookie and they get all huffy and refuse to do their homework until they get a cookie. And quite frankly, that doesn't make the situation any better for them because that just makes me want to throw away all of the cookies.
But anyways, I really hope that this gets resolved soon.